Author -- Giordana Toccaceli
Dating an emotionally unavailable man?
How We as Girls Are Initiated Into Dysfunction
You guys know by now that my relationship style of coaching begins with your inner transformation into Love, into a Goddess, that experiences feeling worthy of love for the first time in her life, and leads with her heart.
In my work as a dating, relationship and intimacy coach, it’s often sobering to see how much the love we so desperately needed as little girls was absent in our childhood (and how we learned to cope with that absent love)....and guess what is even more sobering?
How that deficit of love has driven our entire adult relationships with men.
I often teach women to understand where men are coming from and the possible struggles and wounds they’ve faced, but I also teach men to have more insight into the struggles we women grow up with.
So Sonca, have you ever been super attached and in love with a guy, whom no matter what you did, or how much you tried, only pulled away from you time and time again, and would just not open up to you?
Well what if I told you that you could get almost any man to open up to you if you showed up in the right energy?
Coaching men every single week, even the most shut down, unavailable men, begin to crack open when Feminine Energy is around. Seeing this gives me edge as a coach and that is that in coaching men every week and they routinely tell me that they have never felt more understood in their entire lives.....
So back to my question...... Have you ever been in love or attached to a man who wasn't emotionally available to you?
The “not quite” divorced man.
The emotionally shut down man.
The man who uses you as a diversion while out looking for something "better."
So why did you stay? Why did you stay in love when you weren't being treated well?
And stay you did, didn't you? Often for months, or years.
Wasting precious, precious time.
See as women who experienced emotional unavailable love as little girls, to be able to separate our attachment (or attraction) to an emotionally unavailable man from our projection of chasing unavailable love, we need to figure out the subconscious relationship dynamics at play in our lives.
I believe EVERY woman should spend time becoming aware of these dynamics in her life, otherwise she will be driven by them.
We can't stop doing something, until we know why we are doing it!
If for example we've had an emotionally distant or absent father for (like I did), it frequently leads to us establishing a pattern of relating to absent love.
After all, the love we learned in childhood was absent, and this is what we know, this is ALL we know — that is, that to get love somehow it needs to feel "absent."
This leads many women to be in fantasy relationships for years where they imagine things instead of really being real about what is going on ...
...it leads to women being the pursuer in relationships with men and to chase love, over-function and over-give to a guy, (masculine energy and control) because they always have to earn that absent love their inner little girl was chasing….. instead of allowing love to come to them (Feminine worth and magnetism).
In a dysfunctional way of protecting themselves, only then do these women feel in love and feel intense desire or attraction.
And this has men always pulling away because they will lose attraction for a woman in this state.
What Does Absent Love Look Like Sonca?
In our lives it often looks like pining after an emotionally unavailable man.
When we were little girls and had absent human fathers to learn to relate to, we had to come up with a father to relate to so we created fantasy fathers in our mind, grabbing pieces here and there from movies, books or neighborhood fathers and projecting out our idealized father.
So when a real man comes along, we are unable to see him as a human soul, as the man he is... we only see our projection, our fantasy of Mr. Right, Prince Charming, Rescuing Knight in Shining Armour.
And men run from this!
We can’t see the human behind the man which forces the emotionally unavailable man further into his shell, his fear of being known is triggered, because who can live up to that projection?
He will definitely disappoint this woman and you girls know I always teach you that men need to WIN with a woman by making her happy in order to commit their lives to her--- his very identity as a man depends on it.
When we as women have patterns of attaching to absent love, we need to work through this pattern---> OWN IT, identify it, HEAL IT!..... so we can come out of its enslavement to chronically being alone and rejected by men....and so we can end the projected fantasy and come into relationship with a real, quality, man who is available for a deep and loving relationship.
How Women Can Change
The incredible thing is that in my program, women turn this around powerfully and a relationship that was previously stalled begins to move forward, rapidly or men that were previously not attracted to them begin pursuing them.
It isn't magic beautiful.....
It is simply what becoming WHOLE does- it ignites the Law of Attraction and begins drawing the things we desire towards us.
For example, I was recently working with a client who was dating a man she had diagnosed on her own as emotionally unavailable.
She had come to me wanting my help in getting over him but as I heard the details of their interactions and how their dating relationship had panned out over a series of months, it was clear this pattern was at work in her.
As we worked through and unearthed her wounding around her absent father she realized that she had been showing up as emotionally unavailable for him.
She had been trying so hard to “get him” to love her and give her certainty through a commitment, that she kept projecting on to him expectations (which to him felt like being used and objectified), instead of deepening their connection.
This had him on the fence, feeling unsafe to move forward, chronically showing up for a few days before pulling away once again, feeling attraction for her but not quite stepping up to commit.
As soon as we began separating her actual feelings for him from her projected absentee father issues, her vibe shifted. She began showing up relaxed, present, deeply connected and willing to let go of control instead of needy, clingy and suspicious.
Her expectations loosened up and her self-esteem went up. Her vibrancy, radiance and kindness showed up in a big way.
As she became emotionally safe, available and with dropped expectations, he started feeling more attraction towards her and wanting to spend more time with her.
And soon enough as her masculine energy took a backseat and Feminine energy flourished, he began stepping up as a MAN in her life. Chasing her, pursuing her, adoring her, opening up emotionally to her (as well as other men became competition.)
And soon enough he claimed her, asked her for a serious relationship and asked her to move in with him.
They are now incredibly in love, he has initiated the "I want to spend my life with you" talks and they are very happy.
The women I work with often come to realize that showing up in this way has kept them in a pattern of absent love and learn that the first step they need to take is to work through this so they can become available to the love they really want.
So beautiful, you have to go within to the truth of your soul, so you can rapidly change and transform your love destiny.