Author -- Giordana Toccaceli
"Why don't men want me?"
Have you ever felt this thought go through your heart?
You've been single for some time and you meet interesting men only to have them fizzle out their interest after just a few interactions. You are left feeling excited, happy and desiring love but then nothing flowers into anything interesting....
OR maybe....a man you love has pulled away or lost interest in you and this has triggered a mountain of self-doubt:
- Why doesn't he want me?
- Why am I not married yet?
- Why don't I have an amazing man in my life?
It is a very painful and heart breaking question and we have all asked ourselves this at one point or another.
As a sought after coach for helping women attract incredible men, get their exes back, reignite marriages and become highly desirable as women, I want to give you a different perspective today.
See I get to speak to men and women every single day about love and relationship and over time I have discovered proven strategies when it comes to dealing with heart break and understanding men, which will give you a huge advantage with men.
So let's talk....
A man you loved and were so into, a man you desperately wanted to fall for you and step up as the man for you, begins to distance himself from you, begins to lose attraction and maybe even friend zone you. He went from seeing you with light in his eyes as a potential girlfriend to now placing you in the meanwhile woman category.
He used to respond so quickly to your texts, he used to be smitten...and now he is distracted, he doesn't respond quickly to your texts, he has other priorities....
And you stare at your phone or your look at his Facebook page while feeling so many things....things like:
- It leaves you hurting so deeply inside.
- You feel abandoned.
- You are afraid you have lost him forever.
- You miss him and think about him all the time.
And then, as with so many clients of mine, you might even find out he:
-Has been seeing other women.
-Is liking hot women's posts on social media.
-Has started another relationship.
And you feel....
- Rejected and like there is something wrong with you
- Asking- Why didn't he fall in love with me? Why isn't he with me now? Why couldn't I have acted differently, been more myself?
And then come the Soul Crushing Beliefs:
- "I will never find a man, it's over."
- "What is wrong with me?!!!"
- "I'm angry at myself for caring so much, for desiring him so much, maybe I need to shut myself down (and become more masculine)
- "There are no faithful men out there, they are all cheaters."
- "This is never going to happen for me!"
- "'I've invested so much, he was so perfect, now I have to start again, I'm so sad."
And the conclusion......
That must mean that "I AM UNWORTHY."
Ugh you've been there right? You can feel it in your stomach, this heaviness, fear, grief and desperation all rolled up into one.
And when "I am unworthy" takes the driver's seat of your life, you start to react from feelings of rejection and neediness for a man's attention (you know that moment when you become defensive and guarded.) This reactive part of you while trying to save you and keep you safe, will actually do a lot of damage to your life.
She has your best intentions in mind, but she more often than not can't deliver on them.
- You'll go partying or drinking too much
- You'll close off and pretend you don't care
- You'll bury yourself in your career and tell yourself relationships and love aren't important.
- You'll play games with men, showing up as inauthentic and closed off
- You chase men and step into masculine behavior because you don't believe a quality man will pursue, adore and commit to you.
- You binge on ice-cream, reruns and isolate in your cocoon a.k.a apartment or home.
And YEARS go by, precious years you'll never get back.
You are no longer in your power as a feminine, confident, alluring, woman.
Have you ever found yourself in this experience beautiful?
I have coached SO many women in transforming their love lives and becoming irresistible to quality men and so often the shifts needed are simple. They finally understand it was never personal, it was never that they weren't wanted-
It was never that YOU weren't wanted......ok? I want you to take this in as truth in your innermost heart....
The truth is only 1 of 2 things:
1. It was simply not a fit with the man.
2. You did not show up in your authentic power as a feminine, woman. You showed up giving your power away and low value.
So here are 3 powerful things to focus completely on to attract and keep love and to do them THIS year.....
Number 1: You don't have to let go.
Yes, you don't have to let go. You'll hear so many relationship gurus tell you to "Forget him!", "Move on!"
But you won't hear me say it because besides having had countless women get their exes back, the truth is a part of you is not ready to let go and you haven't yet investigated this from all angles to see if you actually have a chance to get him back.
So I am a big proponent of saying, listen girlie- shelf it and make more room for others.
Have a little shelf in your heart with his name on it....but also make room for other shelves, while also doing the deep work to reconnect with your most radiant, alive and irresistible woman.
Start opening other doors and hold them simultaneously open- start receiving from men all around you- from men who look at you and are attracted to you, from kind men who do things for you, from men who ask you out and want to get to know you more- and instead of comparing other men to him- you don't have to because he is still in your heart, you are just making so much more room for others.
This will do 2 things- it will shift your vibration to that of a woman who feels her desirability with men and make you that much more attractive both to your ex and to other quality men who do want to step up in your life.
If Carla Would Have Shut That Door, She Wouldn't Have Him
So let's talk about Carla. Carla first came to me in our initial session terribly hurt but trying to be strong. She had just finished working with another relationship coach who has convinced Carla to drop Will and forget him. In Carla's words she wanted me to help her get over Will and move on with another man.
So I did what I always do and sat her down and heard her own, unique story with Will.
She focused on telling me how Will was emotionally unavailable, had never done anything for her and how he was useless as a potential partner.
But as I listened in to the story in between the story it became clear really fast that Will was an awesome man who was simply in his own timeline in the relationship with Carla.
Will was a patriarch archetype, always self-sacrificing- and was used to putting others before his own needs.
So Carla misinterpreted Will's timelines to mean he wasn't into her, but he was, he just wasn't ready!
And the way Carla was showing up wasn't helping at all, it as in fact quickly pushing Will away.
Carla wanted commitment from Will extremely fast, way too fast for Will's timeline (and men's timeline in general)and this meant Carla only felt she was loved by Will if he acted according to her expectations. Her perception of commitment and love from him, was actually her own projection, her own neediness and was totally inaccurate.
Carla was actually being very self focused and not seeing Will's needs or his heart AT ALL.
It was obvious she was falling into the pitfalls of being a woman that does not understand men. Will, being the patriarch archetype, was protecting her by leaving her (he felt he couldn't give her what she wanted in the timeframe she wanted it in, so he was pulling away to protect her from getting hurt - yes ladies this is man logic.
But Will DID have feelings for her and this was going to take a long game strategy- a marathon not a race.
So Carla and I patterned up on this to work together and she did the deep work she knew she had been needing to do for years.
We confronted her comfort zone and she started stepping as a High Value, Feminine and Radiant woman who was generous and able to SEE Will.
Well guess who is now in an unbelievably beautiful and compassionate relationship?
Carla...with Will. They have the deepest relationship they have ever had and Carla now understands him better than anyone else.
She has Will's heart completely.
So, remember you don't have to let go, you can shelf this while opening opportunities in your life to be pursued, adored and served by other men.
Number 2. How Did You Show Up?
When I unpack the dating process women went through with their exes, it becomes so clear that they became too attached too early.
They weren't being genuine and authentic, they didn't know how to create an emotional bond the way men need women to create one so they can commit, they were masculine (leading and chasing) and they were so obsessed about getting into a relationship that it had men feeling used and unseen.
Men fall in love at a different pace than we women do, and we have to understand that. If it's month 2 and we are already making our entire world about him that is a sure ticket to losing him.
Women who are operating from low self esteem when it comes to love with men typically fall into this dysfunctional triangle:
A. Getting attached WAY too soon- You are so attached to the agenda of having a relationship with him you make it all about whether he likes you or not. You are all about what he can give you and you no longer see him or connect to him. This is the equivalent of dating a man who only wants to sleep with us ladies. This mean you are in your head and in fear and not in presence, curiosity and openness. it is a form of "using" men that men routinely share with me that they hate.
B. Becoming Hyper Self-Conscious: Again you are so worried about losing him you start thinking of every step you make and are always strategizing about how to get him to fall in love with you that you aren't there REAL, imperfect, radiant YOU! It's like as soon as you start having feelings, your genuineness flies out of the window and your super controlling side comes out...and this feels like massive pressure to men. It would feel like huge pressure to you if it came from a man...and pressure is masculine at its core. Drop the agenda, get back into your heart, breathe.
C. Being Guarded instead of Relaxed, Open and Feminine: You are so afraid of being hurt because you really like him that you become guarded. If he doesn't text you back immediately you assume he is rejecting you...and all those low-self-worth assumptions make you come off as heavy...I mean think about it? How would you feel if you were in yoga class and texted a guy back a little late and he immediately attached enormous drama to that?
It would be a turnoff!
Often women will be completely unaware of the Drama triangle in their life and that is when support is key to breaking through this.
When you love yourself, you become loving, truly loving and men are attracted to this like bees to honey!
There is no skipping around becoming a high value, feminine, woman and having a great relationship with a man- so don't look for the easy way out- do the work to heal yourself and become whole as a WOMAN.
3. Focus on Your Happiness and Worth and Become A Radiant Woman
This week speaking to a very successful male friend of mine from Barcelona who typically has women throwing themselves at him, he was intrigued asking me questions about what I do and went on to share this story with me-
"My roommate several years ago would date one woman after another and cheat on all of them. He couldn't quite commit and they would go crazy on him. One day he met this woman and she seemed to careless what he did. The more he flirted with other women the more she stayed calm and focused on her life, drama free, unattached and focused on her happiness. He couldn't keep up with her because she as so radiant and focused on her own needs and happiness. He married her and they are blissfully married but I will never forget my friend telling me how there was no other woman as radiant as she was."
My clients routinely see their exes coming back around to claim them, their husbands feeling ignited with desire for them, quality men pursuing them because we shift their energy from low-self esteem (no-one wants me) to HIGH VALUE woman who is a Goddess and has committed to herself before she has committed to any man.
So at the end of the day we can empower ourselves as women by learning to align ourselves with the timeline and natural process of falling in love with men, or we can fight against it (often in our of ignorance.)
You have a Radiant, Gorgeous Goddess within but AMAZING love is not going to drop out of the sky and fall on your lap no matter how many years you keep waiting for it without taking action.
Ladies it is about relaxing into your deepest core as Divine Woman and becoming home.
P.S. And if you beautiful want to become your most confident, radiant and feminine Goddess ever reach out to me. You can reply to this email with your stories and we can connect! Sending you love, Gio