Gio: "So I want you to envision your body, how you want it to look. What do you see?"
Client: "huh, I... I can't see it, for some reason...."
Gio: "ok, so what do you see? If you can't envision your body with lost weight, why is that?"
Client: "I don't know, I literally have a hard time seeing it...."
Gio: "Ok so when you do try to visualize it, stay present, what do you feel? What are the feelings associated with it?"
Client: Listening in. "Umm... I feel I guess I feel I have to be like perfect all of the time? If I do lose it? Its like pressure and that's just, it's not me. Does that make sense?
Gio: "yes, perfect sense, ok, so who are you?
Client: "I, I don'.....I guess I am goofy, frumpy- this, this is me. Like I don't have it together...."
Gio: "Ok so where is the sexy you? The desirable you?
(I purposefully use these words)
What do you feel when I ask this?"
Client: "I felt pain when you said that."
Client: "In my throat"
Gio: "Where else did you feel that in your body? Tune in."
Client: "ugh in my stomach...."
Gio: "I want to ask you something a bit different, will you do this for me? I want you to grab your excess weight on your stomach."
Gio: What do you feel?
(Seeing client flare up with emotions)
Client: "Ugh, wow...I feel like throwing up. Intense nausea. It's intense. Wow...it's intense..."
Gio: "You know what that is? That feeling of wanting to throw up?"
Client: "No...but it's intense."
Gio: That is shame."
"Now stay with it, what else do you feel?"
Client: "Fear. Intense fear. I can't get what I want."
Gio: "I can't get what I want- how do you feel when you say that?"
Client: (tears) "hopeless......"
Gio: "And meaningless right? There is no point to it?"
Client: choking back more tears "yes."
Gio: "And when you feel hopeless, when you feel this meaninglessness, what do you want to do?"
Gio: "Something sweet, rich, comforting, something that feels good."
Gio: "so, what happens if you do become thin?"
Client: "It requires a lot of work to maintain."
Gio: "you mean deprivation and you already feel extremely deprived right?"
Gio: "But what happens with men if you become thin?"
Client: "They will be interested in me, I've already noticed it as I've started to lose it, I've gotten a lot more attention..."
Gio: "And why is that terrifying to you?"
Client: "Wow, how did you know? yes (client's breath becomes shorter)...because, I don't know why....."
Gio: "Because it means you can't hide anymore."
Gio: "Your heart was broken by your last love, really broken. You don't want to go through that again. So inside you feel it is meaningless to seek comfort with a man, to seek a life with a man. There is no control there, no certainty. He can leave at any time, do you see?"
Gio: "Eating has been a faithful companion, any time you need comfort, certainty, companionship- it has been there for you. And you have used the excess weight to hide, to hide under it. You are still just as beautiful at this weight as you will be without it, however in your MIND, you act differently with excess weight- therefore you don't attract attention. Once you lose this weight- well it forces you to face your intense fear of intimacy.
Client: Tears, crying strongly... I give her space to feel it. When she is ready she asks, "so why did I feel like throwing up when I touched my stomach?"
Gio: "Because in your mind that excess stomach weight equals all the rejection you are terrified of, it the feeling you get of being slammed in your heart with unworthiness, of a man leaving you, not finding you attractive-
OF NOT FINDING YOU ENOUGH. And your body holds the locked memory of trauma. See all of this time if men didn't respond to you-you could blame it on the weight. But if the weight's gone and you don't attract that love, then the only place left to blame is you, you inherently. And that is terrifying because it answers the one question that has you feel that level of nausea- "Am I enough."
Client: "that is exactly it." Tears...
*** None of the stories written like this represent an actual client session- rather they are a composite from multiple client experiences that represent a universal story that needs to be told. Anonymity & confidentiality are always strictly protected. This story is written in session format to draw the read into an experience of the benefits of inner work. Thank you, Giordana Toccaceli!