So many women come to me wanting to turn their relationship around- and the faster they turn themselves around, the faster the relationship itself turns around ( if it is meant to, some relationships just need to end.)
When a woman begins a relationship emotionally unavailable, acts emasculating, acts like a doormat, has all sorts of unhealthy, low value behaviors (most of which she may not even be aware of until she studies relationships skills) she sets up the internal infrastructure for all relating in the relationship.
When a woman acts low value, all it means is that she is bringing lower value to the relationship. When that's the case she loses negotiating power.
She may feel she has to walk on eggshells or that her man is pulling away or doesn't listen to her, doesn't care to deeply connect, simply because the way the relationship was set up was a poor connection, no real intimacy, emotional unavailability on both sides, low value exchange, etc.
Men (and women) are creatures of value. We are attracted to what we value, when we see value.
DEMANDING someone see our value because it is what "we deserve" never works. (ego, false self-worth, "I am a Goddess, you are a jerk that doesn't deserve me!")
Showing up HIGH VALUE, works like a charm. (warm, open-hearted, connective, high self-care, no agenda, no expectations, confidence, healthy boundaries, standards, focused on her own happiness, abundantly dating.)
When a woman increases her High Value, first by transforming herself, and then bringing a lot of value to the table (clarification: a lot of women "think" they bring a lot of value to the table, when it is quite the opposite, not because they aren't valuable, but because their behaviors around relationships are low value, domineering, high maintenance, self-absorbed, doormatish, "nicey-nicey" and clingy, etc, putting on to their man the responsibility of carrying all of that.)
SO when a woman begins to step into her high value (I will only give 2 examples, there are at least 12).......
Offering the high value things a man really wants >>>>
1. Emotional safety ----(again the shadow of this is doormat "yes men" behavior" which is low value and repels attraction for men. The other shadow is reactivity, punitive behavior, guardedness, coldness, stonewalling, uncompromising.)
2. Emotional Freedom: (She stops objectifying her man by constantly clinging to him for her whole happiness and meaning of life. You know you are lining when you are so terrified of being abandoned by a man you don't speak up or be authentic.) Instead you learn to speak and she from your heart, set high value feminine boundaries, communicate in freedom. This sets him free to be his truest self, while you are your truest self as a woman.)
Now when there hasn't been any emotional safety or emotional freedom in a relationship this means there has never been real intimacy. Without intimacy, there is no REAL emotional connection or emotional attraction, or not much of it. The relationship stays at the surface.
A man doesn't commit for life-giving everything he has from his heart to surface. He may commit for other reasons (i.e. to secure a wife or a family) but not the romance and deep connection, where he deeply desires her and is devoted to her body and soul.
So what to do? How does it go when you turn it around?
What women often don't realize is that again the way the relationship began has become the "setting" for the relationship.
So when the woman begins to change there is a path to turning the relationship around--
If she begins to heal and change inside, she will begin to become strongly aware of her deep desire to want SOOOOO much more in her connection to her man.
However, her man still is in the previous relationship "setting". He isn't working one on one or doing the inner work. So she can take 2 pathways however only one of them really works- and it requires patience.
Path one: She begins to heal and realizes she "deserves" so much more from this. She gets impatient, wanting everything to change now, however, she doesn't focus on high value emotional safety and emotional freedom allowing her man the time to transition into new relationship "settings." She wants it now, gets really unhappy, gets really frustrated, she isn't focusing on retraining the relationship, and so ---> implosion.
Path 2: She must consistently give High Value (the new value) to the relationship by---->
Making herself consistently happy--> focusing on her happiness.
Once a man feels she is really safe to open up to (which he will test, be suspicious of at first, push a little on)......he will begin to open up. As he begins to open up, and she focuses on her own happiness, he will begin to step in masculine energy polarity- pursue. As he pursues, he will begin to fall in love and not be able to get enough of her.
Now a quick aside- being high value IS NOT BEING NICE. It is being REAL, in a way that draws out the deepest intimacy with the man in your life.
She needs to now create space in which both of them can be themselves FREELY. This isn't as easy as you might think and this is my zone of genius.
Once a man begins to FEEL, big code there, FEEL---- growing intimacy, emotional safety, and FREEDOM, sees her happy within herself, the negotiating power begins to shift.
He is willing to do a LOT more not to lose her.
When this kicks in he begins investing a LOT more into her in orders of magnitude (what she wants), begins to fall in love again or WAYYYYYY deeper than the surface love he had before that depended on infatuation or chemistry or "need". That's when a woman then begins to set her conditions clearly for what she wants (i.e. marriage, treatment, new relationship). Then they negotiate and come to terms with what this new relationship will be for both of them.
Universal law: Provide VALUE in the way your "market" needs it and it will give you market power. Same law applies to all areas of our lives, including business.
Provide the value that you were not providing in the previous iteration of the relationship.
NOW providing value, retraining the relationship, recreating its default setting CANNOT happen absent of authenticity, the REAL, YOU. If you are performing, being a doormat, being nicey-nicey, living in drama or victim mode....forget it.
You've got to learn how to have the real you, your real heart emerge and create high value connection- and relationship.
This is why the best thing always is to enter a relationship FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, with high value exchange, connection and relating.
This is why we are the best at helping women get their exes back and go on to get engaged to them, reignite marriages, etc because we don't "build" up a woman's fragile ego- "You deserve SOOO much better!" while she gets reactive and destroys her relationship. That advice is surface, and honestly cheap. It is so easy to give-- anyone can give it to you. Real understanding of nuance and depth relating in relationships is what you need to really experience the love you desire. Go deeper.
You are always loved,