Author -- Giordana Toccaceli
A man meets a woman, she is beautiful, what he feels for her is intense. He feels drawn to her, and is feeling things he's never felt before. He is falling in love, acutely, deeply.
He isn't yet committed to her, and he sees a blonde in the foyer of the hotel he stays in on his business trip- she smiles, flirts, comes on to him- it's easy. There is no risk here. She is coming on to him, doesn't connect to him, no emotions here. "This, this is something I know and know well."
A woman in her late forties meets an amazing man- he is successful, genuine, masculine and pursuing her - he is emotionally available! All of a sudden she starts finding herself criticizing him in her thoughts. She starts internally picking at him, at his skin, at his shape. She starts magnifying why she isn't attracted to him, even though she is already very much in love with him. She sees a young guy, a coworker standing at the printer- he's flirting, he is smiling, it's just attraction- it's a one-night thing maybe at most....it's easy....there's no risk. "He doesn't care about me, but this, this I know very well."
We have huge defenses against intimacy especially when we've been burned- burned in love relationships, in friendships or parental relationships.......and when we don't know how to touch our fear, our real fear and pain when it comes to loving someone (fears of inadequacy, of failing, of being rejected of hurting) and navigate through it successfully- our defendedness surges......
We go for what we know........what's familiar, we go for less substance and less intensity which means less risk.... (which is also a reason I teach women to pace it with men and create longer planned emotional safety, one small step at a time) since men are more prone to this type of defendedness, although both men and women have lots of defendedness against intimacy, trust and love.
Whatever it is for you, this defendedness is one of the reasons we stay stuck chasing unavailable love, fantasy relatioships and remain addicted to this cycle...because when we are chasing unavailable love we are distracted by the adrenaline rush and numbing the real underlying fears and feelings..... we aren't yet feeling or dealing with our intense fears of intimacy, of truly surrendering to love......
In the journey of learning how to attract the right love for us and just as importantly, how to sustain this love- a lot of our defendedness, habits, patterns and coping mechanisms will show as diametrically opposite to what is needed for love to sustain itself and even more, to thrive- this is when we have a choice- to do the work of learning the way to guide our Soul to amazing love, or taking the easy, familiar way out which is only suffering of an even more acute kind.
You are always loved,