Here's what to do and what not to do--->
One of our lovely EFW members asked this questions and it lead me to remember these 3 amazing stories today-
1. One was a single woman in her early fifties who had never in her entire life been in a relationship with a man she was deeply in love with- let's call her Linda.
2. Another a recent wife, let call her Rebecca.
3. Another brand new into a committed relationship, let's call her Gina.
And the time came when the man they loved was going away for a trip-and they began experiencing abandonment triggers and all sorts of things we women can easily feel when the one we are bonding with is temporarily separating-
1. Linda came to work with me single- in her early fifties, had never once been married or in a serious relationship with a high value man. Amazing at her career, the years had slipped and poor patterns with men kept her not attracting the type of man she deserved. fast forward to around 7 months later and she has now been dating a dream man we helped her attract for around 3 months. He then tells her he is going away to visit his sister for the weekend in another city.
Linda's separation anxiety kicks in- she wants to say, "Can I go with you?" Her trigger is she is wondering why he isn't including her by now.
The high value move: "Ofcourse Honey have fun! I'm going to miss you! Tell me all about when you get back!"
RESULT: She implemented this coaching, and not 3 months later he took her to meet his sister, where she mentioned she was the first woman he had brought home to them. Now they are extremely happy together.
2. Rebecca- newly married and at grips and constant fights with her man. They are so at odds he falls down on the bed next to her one evening and says, maybe we should get a divorce, .....this isn't how I thought things would be.
(this is when her rock bottom hits, she realizes she can't figure this out on her own and she comes to us for help).
This is a high quality man that gives her absolutely everything she wants, her dream wedding, dream home- and yet Rebecca is in the grip of her own inner demons- which we do inner work on.
Her husband takes a 10 day fishing boys trip each year with his father and 2 brothers, What not to do: Before coaching with me she has been giving him hell about this, standing in the way, demanding he check in every morning. She is trying all her wiles to get him to in her words, "choose her" over the trip and not "leave her for so long."
The high value move: Be his support and get excited for the time he deeply needs with his father and brothers, this once a year ritual keep them strong, healthy, bonded to each other, recharges his masculine and helps him be a better man. Wish him the best, give him space, not make any demands around communication, give him full space around this, trust him and focus on her own time.
RESULT: He returns reenergized, excited and more in love with her than ever- buys her a big bouquet of roses, takes her out, makes love to her and on and on.
3. Gina is brand new into her relationship when her quality man which she met with our help goes off on a business trip.
What not to do: Get clingy and needy in the days leading up to the trip, pout, look deflated, mope around, complain about missing him.
The high value response: Understand that this is highly important to him, it is his livelihood. Get out of his way, support him in every way and enjoy the time you do have. Relax and see him again when he gets back.
RESULT: He comes back and plans a getaway weekend just for the two of them and starts talking dreamily of their future together (begins deepening his commitment.)
High Value Vulnerable way to share it with him:
"Babe I am so happy you have this time to spend on things that you need to focus on (or spend much needed time with your dad and brothers- (intimacy producing question)-> What is it that you love so much about this time with them? I feel so many things, excited for you, I want to support you, it makes me happy when you are happy and I feel sad only because I realize how amazing you are and how much you give each time we are together and I will miss you. This makes me appreciate you more and can't wait to see you when you get back!"
These are the moments when we can think of his wellbeing and be a support to that. If he is leaving for work? Be a strong support system for that- after all you may benefit from his hard work in the future. If he is leaving for personal reasons, this is his time to recharge so he can give to you more. My recommendation is make a quick shift here- and instead of focusing on you, focus on his wellbeing. If he is a quality man he supports you and want to support you, this is the way to return the support.
Now you know~you are always loved,