Author -- Giordana Toccaceli
Today I want to share something with you that took me a long time to learn and once I did, it became very liberating in my life.
Before I dive in, I just want to share how not too long ago, I posted that quote you see in the picture above on facebook, and surprisingly several men liked it and sent me a personal message about how much it resonated with them.
At the time I remember thinking it potentially sounded off-putting to men... but there you go.
Today I want to talk about one of our biggest fears-
-becoming irrelevant to those around us, specifically to our partners.
So what is one of the most powerful things you can say to a man?
A man needs to hear you say..."no."
Now, I am not talking about being close-minded and resistant as a personality trait here, rather I am talking about our willingness to stand up for our heart.
See, a man has a deep subconscious need to know that he can trust the woman he wants to surrender to.... and he can't trust a woman who betrays herself.
So regardless of how much we try to please a partner, or give to a partner, or impress him (even in bed), or do for him...in order to secure his love.....if we bypass our hearts and feelings and continue to allow ourselves to have low self-esteem - a man will always gage our true worth by our relationship with ourselves.
He wants a muse... not a mother
A man cannot see us if we do not see ourselves. We often glorify a dysfunctional form of self-sacrifice in relationship, when truly all it is, is codependence.
Being irrelevant is essentially being invisible.
The more we hide in fear of losing our future or current partner, the more we lose ourselves and our connection with our partner.
We become invisible to a partner and others in the measure that our soul, our mind, our life, our heart and our body become invisible to us. The more we value all aspects of ourselves, the more high value he will perceive us to be.
A boundary is not a wall, it is an opportunity for deeper intimacy
As women we are often afraid of setting boundaries (saying no) because we are afraid of losing love.
This is why so many women say to me they have no problems having their male friends fall for them, yet somehow the men they are interested in seem to lose interest.
The truth is a boundary actually makes it safe for love to emerge.
When you have healthy boundaries, you can actually allow your feminine energy, radiance, compassion and free spirit to emerge- and that is incredibly attractive to a man.
YOUR GREATEST GIFT TO A MAN IS YOUR OWN
Here is the thing:
Men are designed to test our own boundaries for specific reasons:
One- it is the way that he subconsciously makes sure we are trustworthy.
Why? He needs to know he can entrust himself to us and if we betray ourselves, we aren't trustworthy. If we do not esteem ourselves, we will not esteem him. If we don't stand up for the "real" us, we won't know how to give him the space to be real and valued for who he really is. If we allow our boundaries to be crossed, we will also cross and disrespect his boundaries.
Two- It is the way he determines whether he can make you happy.
Why? The masculine mind needs infrastructure and set pathways. He needs to know that when he is testing your boundaries, they will stand- making it safe for you and safe for him to make you happy. He wants to know who you are and for that to happen you have to prioritize relationship with yourself, first.
Three: A man strongly desires a woman who will call out the best in him.
Why? A man will actually adore a woman who sees his potential and knows what to do with it. A man knows he cannot become his best self with a woman who does not value her own self.
A client's story
A beautiful client of mine married over 9 years and with 3 children shared with me how her intimacy and sexual relationship with her husband had been slowly disappearing.
I could see how much pain this was causing, how much she ached for his affection and his touch and yet she hadn't really allowed herself to even realize how she really felt.
She had not at any point addressed it, instead she had buried herself in her role as a "dedicated" mother.
After a few coaching sessions she realized that she was not only burying herself in her children's lives but she was developing a co-dependent, controlling and punishing relationship with her kids.
She realized that even though she thought she was dealing with this issue well, (not having her needs met and feeling neglected), the reality was that she was passing it on to her children, and they were feeling it.
The first area we focused on were all the toxic, insecure and rejection filled thoughts she was having of herself. We went through them all, brought them into the light and then reconnected her with her own sense of beauty and love for herself.
We then implemented a self-care plan that worked really well with her busy life and once she felt strong, sexy and empowered again, (instead of rejected, unworthy and insecure), I coached her into approaching her husband with vulnerability, feminine energy, strength and openness.
That same week her husband began paying much more attention to her and wanting to spend time with her. As she felt more confident in her body and became ok with expressing her needs, their relationship dramatically turned around in a matter of weeks. She re-established a deeply fulfilling connection with him, as he also began opening up to her.
Unsurprisingly, her digestive issues, fatigue and acne also cleared up.
Remember, your clearly defined boundaries and needs, your self esteem and your voice expressed make a man feel safe, inspired and secure in moving forward with his love and surrender to you.