Author -- Giordana Toccaceli
I've had an awesome week coaching some amazing new women and I have enjoyed each and every session. What an honor to hold space for deep healing and for these women to find their hearts again, find safety in their vulnerability and strength in who they are.
It has also been yet another week of women willing to really look at how they show up with men and clearly see the patterns that keep men away... and after a while of doing this work, I an tell you the same common patterns keep showing up.
So today I want to share 3 of them with you. These are patterns that most women have adopted over their lives to get their needs met in a way that hurts men deeply, causes them to disconnect from us and eventually leave.
I routinely work with women in these 3 areas, from single ladies in their early 20s wanting love to women in their 50s trying to save a deeply wounded marriage...and I am quite certain that if we don't learn to transform these areas in our lives, we simply won't have the loving, long term, relationship with a worthy, masculine man that we long for.
So here you go ;)....
Make me happy.
Being entitled is all about focusing on what we are getting from the relationship without evaluating just as much what we are giving the relationship.
Entitlement is the assumption that just because we have a relationship title or a marriage title, we can let go investing in the relationship and the man we are with will simply keep giving and giving, loving and loving, regardless of how we are showing up.
So we demand more and more, point out everything he is doing wrong, blame him when we feel down or unhappy, empty or when he acts like a human (he makes mistakes.)
We start telling him what to do so he can make us happy.
After the initial honeymoon period, we often stop being aware of how much value we are still actually bringing into our man's life.
Is this still the best relationship he's ever had?
We stop taking care of ourselves so we can give our partner our best, we start taking our partner for granted and finally (and this happens so often)....we start judging our partner's needs as a man, instead of being wide open to hearing them and understanding them...AND ACTING ON THEM.
- Needs he may have for sex.
- For feminine energy.
- For being deeply understood.
- For emotional safety and bonding with us.
- For space when we get too attached
- For feeling desire and attraction for us, which means we need to keep an eye on how we may be killing attraction.
Remember these are his needs, not the needs you think he has or you think he "should" have.
After coaching 3 women this month through processing an infidelity in their marriage, I can tell you not being deeply connected to your partner and not having a pulse on how he feels around you, on his needs and desires- is a fast ticket to losing him.
Entitlement is the mindset that believes a man is here to be who you need him to be vs really exploring on a continual basis who he is.
This is why so many men resist commitment. They feel it puts them under obligation instead of inspiration in a relationship. They are afraid that after the honey moon period he will find himself trapped in an unhappy marriage where he is obligated to be with an unhappy, entitled woman.
Why do we show up entitled?
Entitlement is the mindset of our inner wounded little girl who never received the love she needed and so she learned that through demanding love, or manipulating or always being right or playing games she would receive it (read: tantrums).
Like a child is dependent and only thinks of themselves, seeing their parent as their primary caregiver, so we begin to depend, attach and demand.
When our unhealed inner childhood wounds, who are always searching for healing and resolution with our parents, take over, we start taking from our partner, and giving less.
Male clients will often tell me:
"She is not the same woman I married."
"She has always tried to change me when I never wanted her to change."
"I can't be myself around her."
Your relationship will only ever be as good as your investment in learning to truly love.
"Are you at war with your partner?"
What you do when you feel emotional pain (be constructive or destructive) will determine how long your relationship lasts.
Reactivity is when we handle emotional intensity (we have a fight, he did something wrong, we feel betrayed, we are pms'ing) through masculinity instead of through vulnerable femininity. The masculine way of dealing with pain or intense emotions is to attack, fight back. So we:
- Blame him.
- Shame him.
- Castrate him.
- Cut him down to size.
- Manipulate him.
We are trying to control him, instead of connecting vulnerably our pain.
...and this ladies is a betrayal of his heart. Plain and simple.
We making him the punching bag for our intense emotions so that we can feel "release."
And because it will inevitably happen in relationship, you have to be aware of how often it happens and if it is a pattern in your life- you have to do something about it.
We point out everything that is wrong with him, saying things like:
"You are an idiot!"
"You are emotionally unavailable."
"You are not a real man."
"Why are you doing that? You should be doing THIS!"
We shut him out, stonewall him, yell at him, refuse him sex, punish him, etc.
It has us believing things like:
"I am too much woman for him."
"He is a coward, when it gets intense he runs!"
"He is not a real man, a real man would __________ (insert painful judgement.)"
Instead of saying things like:
"He has no obligation to deal with my drama, day in and day out."
"He has no obligation to be attracted to me when I show up as a masculine woman."
None of these are vulnerable or feminine ways of dealing with pain.
Acting like this is bringing in to a relationship an eye for an eye mindset we learned somewhere along the way to survive in the world. Survival though, is all about masculine energy. When you decide to relate to your loved one with vulnerability, you decide to show them that you can be hurt, that you hurt.
You stop attacking him when things get intense. Period.
"I am really hurting right now."
"I don't know what to do, part of me wants to leave part of me wants to stay, will you help me work through this?"
"I love you but I feel really hurt by this, can you help me understand why you did this?"
"I am really afraid right now, I want to push you away, I need you to understand me, can you do that?"
Vulnerability communicates and sets boundaries with love and strength, not with passive aggression and betrayal.
It is about learning to respond in a healthy way when we are in pain vs. exploding reactively and betraying the heart of the person we love.
When a man sees your vulnerability, he sees what his heart has been craving so desperately...one place in this world where he is no longer at war, a sacred place to defend, protect and love with his life.
He sees you as home.
3. Unchecked Codependence:
The infamous..."she let herself go."
Codependence is all about no longer minding your own business and starting to tell him how to run his business.
You abandon yourself, your life, your wellbeing, your health and then expect him to do the work for you.
Feminine energy is all about surrender, it is about letting go....and being in the moment, being our true selves, surrendering to masculine leadership, being pliable, understanding...
However that never meant letting go of our relationship with ourselves and we all know how easy it is to do this-
-we make the man our world (we use him)...and we forget about ourselves.
That kills attraction and desire because being in relationship was never intended to mean letting go of growing into better women, better partners. It never meant letting go of taking care of our health, of our body, of our mind, of our life and of our heart, so we have something to give to him from our own fullness.
Codependence is all about letting ourselves go..(the wrong way)....it is about not showing up as high-value women but showing up with little to offer, low value, desperate, masculine and needy behavior and yet expecting him to still feel attraction and desire for us.
The three behaviors above are all about using someone vs. really loving a man. They are all due to a lack of emotional growth as a woman.
Now that you have read these, practice awareness to see when you start acting entitled, reactive or when you let go of your sense of self.
The way out of these is to invest in becoming a high value woman (a woman with a lot to offer, both internally and externally)....and being intentional about growing emotionally.
As women we tend to be really afraid of abandonment and yet when we chronically show up like this one day comes when a man all of a sudden just checks out (he leaves, gets an affair, or asks for a divorce) because the truth is,why would he stay?
Now its on to you beautiful, I would love to hear how these have affected your relationships with men and what really resonated with you from what I spoke about today. Let me know your heart, stories and thoughts, I love to connect!